Hand Grenades & Blowjobs

This is the name of my new bar I will be opening down here on Bourbon St. which will be owned and operated by Rod (The Baron) and myself. It will be about the size of a large walk-in closet acting as a drive thru of some sort, and sell only hand grenade drinks and blowjob shots. Now some of you might be wondering, "but will he sell t-shirts?" Yes, you WILL BE ABLE to buy "Hand Grenades & Blowjobs" t-shirts on the premises. They will run about $12.99 and on the front it will simply say "Hand Grenades & Blowjobs (Bourbon St, New Orleans: Since 2004.) Then we will have our tasteful logo on the back, which consists of a woman with her lips around the pin of a hand grenade. DIG IT!

Hall Of Gods

Last night we went to the Preservation Hall. It was a room about 20x30, no a/c, and probably 100 years old with the walls falling apart. There was five smooth ass old school katz playing dixie/jazz. I swear to god it was one of the top five best things I've ever done in my life. I'm just gonna leave it at that.

Donkey Shit + Vomit + Beer = New Orleans

It has been raining pretty much for two straight days now. The amount of people here at the auditions is weak at best. Hopefully there will be a huge turnout tomorrow, if not...actually I could care less either way. On the way back from the Superdome, lightning hit pretty close to Mike, Jeff, & I. Mike covered his precious little head and ran down the street, it really made our day. What the fuck did he think he was gonna do...out run lightning?

Oh, and of course you gotta show the Saints a little respect.

Bourbon St. Night 2

There is nothing more that I love in life than British girls. Apparently there is a lot of them here on summer vacation and I can't get enough, everything about them is hot. On a great side note Mike & I saw one of the best things ever last night. A car was driving through a crowd of people on Bourbon St., got halfway through and floored it...almost hitting a guy. The guy was super pissed so he threw his drink inside the car window. So the car stopped, and three fat black chicks get out and go after the kid. The driver was so dumb that she didn't put the car in park before she got out. The car began rolling down the street and everyone begins to laugh outta control. It took the chicks about 30 seconds to figure out what happened, then she ran down the street and jumped in the car just before rolling into a restaurant. Now imagine watching this after about seven beers.

HOLY SHIT

We started drinking about 8pm and went all night because the drinks were 2 for 1. For those of you who don't know, Mike is not a heavy drinker at all. He likes to have about three drinks and call it a night, but I told him early on he better sac up tonight and not want to go back at 10pm...

Mike and I got so fucking hammered. Not like, "hey look at me I'm drunk." More like, "holy fucking shit where am I." We both were up around about 10-12 drinks. We started off talking to smoking hot British chicks for most of the night, then when we got them a cab and went back. After that I remember girls wanting us to take random pictures with them, grabbing a lot of ass, flirting with a 50 year old lady, calling a girl's boyfriend a douchebag, and Mike wanting to go into a live sex show.

This morning Mike puked three times on the way to breakfast.

It's On The Ceiling

After dinner with Phil & Sanfra last night they decided to come back to my hotel room. On entry into the four star accomodation, Sanfra immediately brings up information from a special news report:

SANFRA: "Did you see that news report about how dirty and gross hotel rooms are?"

BUCKLE: "What?"

SANFRA: "These rooms are flithy and there is semen all over the beds and pillows."

BUCKLE: "...Yeah that's why I sleep with my mouth open. BOOM!"

Of course this was shortly followed by a powerful high-five directed at Phil, actually it was so sweet it resembled more of an African soul clap. The best part was how ambiguously gay the comment was.

SANFRA: "You know it's also on the ceiling."

MAN! I love that she's full of stuff like that.

Heading South

I have another early morning flight tomorrow going out to Orlando. I personally like afternoon flights but when you have to fly with a big fat sweaty pussy like Mike, you have to compromise. It was super hot and humid in DC, but I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like in Orlando and New Orleans. Wed. night I'm catching up with Phil for dinner so that should be fun, who knows with that guy. One minute we'll be pounding a silver bullet and the next we could be double-teaming a midget with one good eye. Anywho... I believe we're flying to New Orleans Friday and staying over the weekend with nothing to do, so I'm guessing I'll be drinking a lot and possibly showing my dick to a hundred people off a dirty balcony.

Also some of you might not know, but I'm working on the next season of Family Guy and another show by Seth MacFarlane called American Dad. Rod & I head over to their offices/studio like three times a week and film behind-the-scenes. Check out the little trailer clip I put up the other week: FAMILY GUY. And for more info and clips on the new show check out: AMERICAN DAD

XXXTREME

YOU ARE NOT READY FOR THIS...

**You need Quicktime to view**

In Buckle We Trust

DC

This was the biggest audition turnout production has seen to date, there was about 12k people here to audition. There is just SOOOOOO much to see here in DC like the White House, Museum of American History, Capitol Building, Washington Monument, and to tell you the truth I couldn't care less. All this history and educational stuff makes me sick to my balls. However we did go to a bar last night that had 300 different beers.

And YES, "I am the problem with America."

P-H-I-L

I had a chance to talk to Phil this morning, and it was nothing short of amazing:

BUCKLE: "Soooo ahhh...I guess that hurricane is gonna hit you guys today huh? Did you put the hurricane shudders up?

PHIL: "Nah, not this time."

BUCKLE: "So like masking tape then?"

PHIL: "Nope we're just gonna wait this one out."

STRAIGHT GANGSTA! I mean seriously, it sounded as if he was waiting for the bitch on the front lawn in a plastic pool chair. The tone of his voice was like, "well if it ain't 150mph then stop wasting my time, bring it you fuck." Honestly people... sometimes when I stare directly into his beautiful face, my eyes burn. It's like looking into the fucking sun.

Oh Hell Yeah!

...I fucking LOVE tities.

"New Millenium Kind of Sensitive Guy"

http://www.nationallampoon.com/modstyles/wwwaste/badass/badass.asp

I Can't Wait to Eat Chipotle Again

I know I said that Middle America is a "disgusting mess," but I had the chance to go to a few different bars and I found a few good looking girls. However, to me California is like a western conference all-star team. Hot chicks in St. Louis are like good players on a shitty expansion team with low attendance, and in the end they all want to be drafted. Anywho we got back in today and we'll be leaving again the beginning of next week for D.C.

On a side note: Year after year contestants for AI are "unique", "talented", & "NO ONE has heard anyone like THEM!" However the tide has changed and now this year "The Lord is on my side," HEY...well guess what, apparently the Lord can only pick one of you douche bags so tough shit.

We're Heerr Bitches

The hotel in Cleveland was a total pile, so the view at this one definitely makes up for it...it's pretty ricockulous, that's right Busch Stadium. We also went to one of the river boat casinos on the Mississippi and won a little. Yeah...I'm sure you can imagine what kind of people we saw at a "river boat casino."

The girl contestants are definitely getting better looking, but overall Middle America is a fucking disgusting mess.

Butter'n Cakes

Even though this is the first audition city, I'm already sick of shitty kids singing all day. It's like an annoying girl you haven't seen in a long time...at first you're like man I can't wait to see her, I miss her so much. Then BOOM! Fuck man, this is why I haven't talked to her in so long. Anyway were heading in about an hour to St. Louis and I think the flight is only like an hour, hopefully we'll have some good BBQ or get stabbed while were there.

Good Ol' Cleveland

...seriously the Browns are horrible. The locker room looked better than the team did last year.

Another day, another dollar.

So Anyways...

I'm actually heading out tomorrow morning to catch a flight for the first leg of the American Idol 4 auditions. We start off in Cleveland, then go to St. Louis. The following weeks and months we'll be in D.C., Vegas, San Fran, New Orleans, Orlando, and Anchorage. I'll be audio posting and writing throughout so make sure to checking in.

DELICIOUS

FANTASTIC FOUR!